Drop it, it's dead. We drop dead.

Am I allowed to be flattered when my friends call my phone at 1 o clock in the morning to ask me if I want to proceed with a stupid idea with them? I mean, of course I DO want to be involved in some plot that shouldn't have been thought of, but I think that really says something about my character. I didn't think I was that bad of a kid, and honestly I'm not, but I must be bad compared to the rest of the people I associate with if my friends are calling ME and not someone else. The only problem is, I don't really keep stuff from my parents. In fact, I don't really keep things from anyone. I tell everyone how I feel and about my problems, because I literally don't understand why i should be embarrassed of the way I'm feeling or what's going on in my life. I know my boundaries, though. Don't think I share all my secrets willy nilly, I'm just more casual about most things than a lot of people.

I started this post like 20 hours ago (that was a made up number but somewhere around there.) and now I'm sitting in my friend's room with him and another friend. (Shani and Clay.) The door is closed, but we're all on our own computers and playing completely different songs. THIS ISN'T OKAY. Clay is playing Teriyaki Boyz, Shani is listening to Lhasa De Sela, and I'm listening to NWA. I don't like what they're playing, but I think we all feel the same. I almost convinced them to be quiet while I was playing Cat Stevens, but it didn't work out too well... Even playing Britney Spears hasn't made Shani turn her music down. I'm a little concerned.

Can we talk about how I branded myself and how proud of it I am? I tried to look up on the internet how to do it yourself just to make sure I'd be okay, well they said I needed all this professional shit and that I was supposed to be drunk while eating jelly beans. I don't like alcohol, nor jelly beans, and I sure as hell don't have any professional equipment. What do I look like??? If I had professional hot pens or whatever, I wouldn't be looking up how to work it on the internet. dur. So Shani just put Hydrogen Peroxide on a paper clip i molded into a heart, and on my skin. She heated up the paper clip heart with a lighter, then made me stick it on my skin. It shocked me at first, so I took it off, then put it back on for a few more seconds. It really didn't hurt as bad as you'd think it was, but I have a high pain tolerance. Heat is not something I'm sensitive to. I wash it everyday and put Neosporin type stuff on it, then cover the damaged goods with a bandage. Most of my friends don't want to know what it looks like, though I'm positive that they'll see it eventually, but I thought it might be nice to show it on my blog.

this isn't considered sexting, is it? 

Totes badass. No fun without risk.

Bricks AKA my best friend.

I often find there are no ways to escape bad days, even to the point where bad days become bad weeks, adding up to more bad weeks. I doubt someone can actually run away from these times. We were meant to live them, though I know we don't like it. In fact, we hate it. It hurts. The worst part is, most people just don't understand that others go through exactly what we're going through. A friend could say, "Today sucks sooo baddd I just wanna go home." You think to yourself, "Well, why are they so upset? It's not like much has gone wrong. I feel so much worse." Life should not be a competition on who's 'more sad'. I can hear everyone reading this right now, making little noises in either confusion or realization. But, I won't take back what I said, all there is to do is try and convince people not to make life about what they don't realize they're making it about. I KNOW damnear 80% of the time when someone is having a bad day, no one cares to think, "I understand. Bad Days happen." Granted, this happens on occasion, just not often enough to make us as a humanity 'good people'. Instead we think, "They're overreacting. They're annoying me. Seriously shut up whining. Be happy you're making this awkward." Don't for one second deny to yourself that you do this. There are few people in the world who DON'T do this, and the likely hood of any of them stumbling upon my blog and reading it is about the size of a grain of sand. You're probably doing it. "She doesn't know me. I don't do that." Shut the fuck up. Yes, you do. You need to learn to recognize the wrong things that you do in order to correct them. You can't just wish on a star "Dear Star/God/Vishnu/stuffed animal, please help me be a better person. Thanks. Deuces. Night," then not work on making yourself a better person. Why, that won't help you at all. I won't say it makes you worse, but maybe equally as bad. I'm not even saying that I'm perfect. IN NO WAY am I the best person I can be. I don't know a single person who is the best they can be. I catch myself everyday laughing at people just letting my friends talk shit, hell, I talk shit. I realize it. I know it, it hurts. I'm sure it doesn't hurt as much as if I knew half of what my friends said about me behind my back. You may think that letting your feelings out are a good thing, and I'm not saying it isn't, but what we've got to take note of is what is actually 'letting feelings out' and just talking about whatever comes to our mind. I see people walking down the hallway or down the street and I think "What the actual fuck could have ran through their mind as they were getting ready this morning?" But soon after, (in mind-time. so like half a second later) I correct myself. I definitely don't like what they're wearing, and I don't think it could be in any high-fashion magazine I would get sent to MY house, but if they like it then I'm glad for them. I'm happy they can walk out of their house with their head high, wearing what they want and being what they want without letting what other people like me affect them. I DO THAT SHIT. We tell ourselves the same thing every time we step into our clothes for the day; "I don't care what others think of me. I'm me." But we don't have the decency to let others do them? So let me get this straight, You can do what you want, but they can't do what they want? Exactly. It doesn't make sense and it's selfish. It's EXTREMELY selfish to pick apart what someone has on. (Granted, you are exempt from this if you happen to work in fashion. There's a little bit more to that. Unless this person you are critiquing is not there for that. Then shame on you.) It breaks my heart a little every time I catch myself doing mean things. I've been in such a crazy mood lately, and today everyone just annoyed the shit out of me. I said things I should have probably kept to myself, (okay I promise I was joking when I was talking to those freshman boys at lunch), and looking back I'm a little ashamed that I could let myself even think something like what I said. I will make a fool of myself to no end, I run into walls, and lay on the ground in the middle of the hallway, I don't care. Saying mean things, or laughing when someone else says something mean, that is what embarrasses me at night when I reflect on my day. When I'm having a bad day and I'm nice to someone else, it makes me feel a little better inside. I KNOW how cliche and gay that sounds. I'm supa serious, though. There's this kid in my grade who I just want to say nice things to him all the time because he's such a sweet kid and there's nothing wrong with him at all, but he seems to have very few friends and people just aren't quite the nicest to him. I don't know what to say, though! After today when he sat near me at lunch he probably never wants to hear another word come out of my mouth. I accidentally stole his seat when he left the table because I thought he wasn't coming back, then he did. I felt so terrible but I had just went on a rampage, so I was scared to invite him back over to sit with us because I thought he'd be like "I definitely don't want to sit with that bitch. She's fuckin' crazy and mean." These are the times I regret letting my feelings get the better of me. I meant little to nothing of what I said when I was upset even though I was laughing the whole time, so it's possible (and I'm hopeful) no one took me serious anyway. Even still, if you're having a bad day, I'm sorry. I wish I could be there, although most of the time even if someone IS there for you, it just can't seem to make you feel any better. That's got to come from you. You know how it is to feel downright shitty for no reason, so why be annoyed with someone else when they are? It's selfish, like I said. I don't think this is the way people should feel. Having said all I think I can say, with a little extra, sometimes people are a little dramatic. Okay, kids tend to be drastically dramatic (like what I did there?), and at that point you've got to tell someone to wake up. It's just a circle. I don't know if there's more I can say.

This whole not sleeping and going crazy experience has really enlightened me. I'm grateful, but now I wish I could sleep again.

StrawberryFieldsForeva

The best thing going in my life right now has ended. And that best thing was Ugly Betty. I sound like such a teenage girl but it's okay BECAUSE I AM. I'm allowed to be emotionally attached to great television shows then feel empty when they're over especially if it's a Saturday night and I'm home alone. (aka alone but my parents are here.) I might as well just invite my mean cat into my room and try to cuddle with her. That's how I feel right now; I should be snuggling up to my little kitty who is angered easily and really enjoys drinking from the sink. *would insert a picture of her here if I wasn't so lazy and out of my mind* Can we change the name of my blog from "Soap" to "The Final Words of A Girl in The Midst of Going Insane."? Because I think that would describe me much more, though I do have a strong appreciation for soap that smells really good. So maybe the title shouldn't be Soap because I should want to appreciate all soap not just soap that smells good. Okay, deuces to Soap. *Leave by Jojo starts to play*.

How can I describe how I'm going crazy to people unless they have actually experienced this at some point in their life? When a TV show being over means you have to face realities that exist in your life that are JUST like the ones in the show, you can't sleep ever (except maybe sometimes in the day when you don't even want to be asleep), and your therapist tells you that you might be manic even though you get nothing done. At least someone who is manic can manage to get shit done, I just fantasize about all the stuff I could be doing but then I find myself three hours later, wondering when I got here. I almost jumped out of my bed, throwing the computer off of my lap, because I had such a nice idea. I can't decide whether I should multitask or just work on one thing at once. Did you know there is really no such thing as multitasking? (On a side note Leave by Jojo just came on my pandora mix so it's a sign that I will stay blogging).

It's hard to be the person to ignite the letting go process. Especially if the other(s) don't/doesn't feel the same way.. There's nothing you can do to change your feelings. If you tell yourself that you'll be okay making others happy, that just isn't going to work. I spend a lot of my time trying to not hurt someone else's feelings (Unless I actually am trying to get a point through to someone, sometimes you have to be a huge bitch for people to listen. Not always) and sacrificing my own, but that only ends up hurting everyone in the long run, even you. you may think it won't, but I know what I'm talking about, almost. The ending to this era of my life has not yet come, so I don't quite know the final product of what happens when feelings change, but I have a feeling I'm at the peak of the story, and quite frankly, no one is happy. My family is not happy seeing me go crazy, my friends are not happy with my indecisive feelings, my significant other is not happy that I don't know how I feel, and I'm not happy that I don't know how I feel. I'm sure a stranger would be completely happy with me because I'm pretty funny, if I do say so myself. But not too long after you find a stranger, they stop becoming a stranger, then they are no longer happy because I am not happy, then I find out why I should be sad for them, too. This is what happens when you (A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton just came on my Pandora.) try to keep your feelings hidden for as long as possible. Basically, nothing good. Think about it logically, how COULD something good come from lying to yourself and others? Nothing. Now, I'm not saying you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/drumset get into a fight and that night you're all like "I DON'T THINK I WANNA DO DIS ANYMOE." Well, you might just be emotionally unstable and unable to make those kind of decisions, so why don't you just cry until you are ready to think with a clear head. Some people don't have clear heads even at the clearest of times, (me) so you just kind of have to work with what you have.

Some things that make me happy when I'm sad:

"You're not like all da otters!!"

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZ8IethsyIQ
• online shopping
• watching Ugly Betty
• dressing up
• crying
• sleeping
• running
• any sort of art making 
• listening to music I used to listen to not long enough ago

It's not my fault, I'm happy

I have not been able to sleep at all these past few days. It's such an odd sensation I get when I'm trying to go to sleep. It's like I feel how soft and calmed my body becomes as if I was sleeping, but my mind is wide awake. My thoughts come as if I were just sitting in class during second period or something. (Second period being lunch time since we only have four classes a day and we start at 9:00 am). I just laid in my bed last night for hours on end, thinking about how serene my body was, and how much I enjoyed it completely. That being said, my physical state was the only thing I've enjoyed about not being able to sleep. It just feels like I'm going crazy all the time because I'm so tired.

Do you ever have those moments in your life where you just want to do some damage? Like, go out and pick a fight with some random person who could probably kick your ass, or cut off all your hair, or give yourself scarification? I get that feeling a lot. It's almost like that is the perpetual feeling of my life. The other night I sat in my bed, looking up how to give yourself scarification and how to sanitize and take care of it. I may be a badass in the sense that I get a thrill from self harm, but I'm not trying to accidentally poke a major artery or get a giant infection where later on in my life I won't have a scarified heart or something I'll have a lump of bubble skin. No one wants bubble skin, because it's fucking gross. I mean sure, maybe someday you'll meet someone who will appreciate the story behind your deformed epidermis or maybe someone has a fetish for any kind of lump and/or bubble. That probably/most likely/99% sure that won't happen to you. So be careful or get in professionally done. After looking up how difficult it could be to scarify myself, I then considered branding myself. The only problem with that is, I don't have a pretty metal shape I'm okay with imprinting into my skin permanently. I love Jackass, but I don't think I could just let anyone brand something on me willy nilly; like a penis. on my ass. (Haha isn't it funny I said "willy nilly" then talked about a penis?) I tend to resort to punching myself in the face in Latin class due to my boredom. The person to my left, Shani, also enjoys chewing on her tablet. So there we are in the middle of Latin class; me punching myself in the face and Shani chewing on her tablet, both of us cracking up. It's quite a scene, and I think the teacher just doesn't know how to handle it so he laughs and leaves us alone. FINE BY ME.

I think I'm going to India next summer for three weeks. My Latin teacher wants to take some students over there for culture research, and I thought it sounded really nice. YES I know that India is disgusting, but I seriously am so in love with it. I admit, I hadn't put a great deal of thought into going to India until one of my other teachers came up to me out of the blue and says "Sydney I recommended you to go on that trip to India!" My heart... was touched. I could've cried tears of joy right there, but I held them back. (They never resurfaced.) And now, to end the story, I'm dead set on going to India. I will also get a bitchin' tan.

I'm being followed by a moonshadow

My day started off completely, disgustingly, terrible. I might go into if people I know didn't read my blog and they'd probably ask me about it tomorrow. I'm finally starting to feel better on my way to school (Isn't that funny? Funny strange, not funny "haha"), and it really only gets better from there. For some reason today went by so smoothly, but my friends were all like "Sydney is crazy today! Why are you acting so weird?" See, I didn't think I was acting weird.. Also when I think about today, I get a negative feeling. It's only when I really start thinking about it, that I realize it was actually really pretty decent. Pretty sure that's how everyone is. One thing goes wrong, and they're just like "aww the day sucks awwww" But in all reality, their day is not that bad. We just can't get that bad thing out of our head. I guess the same thing is true for if something REALLY good happens to us, but it has to be something that makes us all butterfly-like on the inside of our little bellies. A very small, or not-so-small, bad thing could happen to us during the day, and that's it. The day from then on fucking sucks. At night, we lay in our beds and cry about how that made us sad. Okay, maybe that's not everyone. Maybe that's just girls. If that's not all girls, I'm just going to go ahead and disown myself for being so sensitive. As far as I know, most girls do shit like that. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'm uncomfortable being openly proud about my artwork. It's just not right. I feel like I sound cocky, like "yeuh bitch look at dis painting. it's wassup." I never see my paintings as "wassup," though that doesn't mean sometimes I very much like an aspect of them. There's always something in my art that pisses me off and I just want to throw it away, and because of that little section, I guess it could also be a large section, I'm embarrassed of the whole thing. I wish I could stand up and give a speech about my art before I have to present it in class. I paint my friends a lot, but I'm so intimidated to show them when I'm done! What if they think I made them look like a fat cow old lady? I don't want them to be upset with me at all.. I just want people to be happy for what I've done.

For some odd reason every time I go out with my mom somewhere; actually, scratch that. I could be going ANYWHERE. Not even with her, and she'll say, "Why do you look so dressed up today?" She has yet to fail to ever ask me that question if I'm wearing a skirt or dress. Um, I guess I was unaware that having on a skirt, specifically a MINI skirt, was considered dressed up? The funny thing (I've got to stop saying funny when I mean strange) is that she has yet to fail to ask me this question anytime I'm wearing a skirt or dress. I admit, sometimes I look a little more grunge or... well I don't know what to call it, than other days. I may have a classier dress on on Sunday, but Saturday I was wearing chucks with my skirt. She thinks that really makes a difference. If I am not in COMPLETE formal attire, like black-tire formal, don't ask me that damn question! I know when to look presentable, and sometimes the outfits I wear that involve skirts and dresses are not even appropriate for nice events. It's just a pet peeve of mine that she always asks why I look so dressed up, WHEN CLEARLY I AM NOT DRESSED UP. SORRY I LIKE TO WEAR SKIRTS AND MAYBE NOT LOOK LIKE FRESH SHIT WHEN I WALK OUT OF MY HOUSE. 

deranged, we've all been through some shit

You might think that because I have a blog, I have something interesting to say, and interesting things to say come from experience. Yes, I have some experience. BUT I'M NOT AS EXCITING AS YOU THINK. I thought high schoolers were supposed to party all the time and be promiscuous and have crippling drug and/or alcohol addictions. I don't and have none of those things.  I just like to spend money on cute clothes and nose rings. The shopping part is normal, I guess. At least for girls. Have you ever seen my room? It's filled with pandas. I sleep with a blue blanket I've had since I was little. I'm not a downright bitch to my mom all the time. I enjoy spending my time watching Ugly Betty, reading, knitting, and sitting by myself outside. I look back at this, and I can't decide if I've failed or succeeded as a teenager. If I go by what's around me, I'd say that I've failed. But when I really think about it, I'm fucking #1 in this damn race. Seriously? I am so proud of myself. There's no point in getting worked up over silly things like a lot of girls do. I'm so happy with simple things. I don't always need something in front of my face to be satisfied. Why do people get bored if they aren't completely absorbed in what they're doing? I'm content with just sitting around with friends. Maybe it's because me and my friends are just really funny. We talked about it, and we came to the conclusion that we should have our own reality show on some television channel.

Seriously this is us in a nutshell. Look at me with my prostitute lookin' ass. That's just what we do. Dress up like we have mental disorders then fight. It sounds like a good life to me. Also, in that last picture, Olivia is drinking Orange juice and Shani is drinking coconut milk (So much better than coconut water, I've discovered.) I'm mad Shani is in all the pictures, but ohwell! It doesn't make her more important than anyone! Just.. always in the action. yes definitely. Some people like to chase what they think they're supposed to want. I don't chase shit because I've got all I want. Well, not materialistically. I really want Creepers, but that's a different subject and completely irrelevant for what I was talking about. Sorry I ruined the mood. If I could go back and change how my life panned out, I wouldn't change most of it. I'M JUST BEING REALISTIC. There ARE some things I would change. Then again, if I changed them, I would not have gained the life experience I did. Either way, I've had some not-so-fun times in my life. That's just how shit goes, though. You can't be happy all the time and you're life isn't going to just be perfect all the time. If it was perfect at first, it'd suck later because you wouldn't have grown up then people would shun you when you became an adult. So either way, life sucks sometimes. Or all the time, depending if you're a pessimist. If so, I suggest seeing someone about that. If a therapist doesn't help you, you either need medication or seriously you just really suck.

All you need is fire and a friend to wish you well.

I deem it appropriate to get the side of your nose pierced even if your other side is pierced, or if you have a septum. Though, I guess I am a biased opinion since I've had my septum pierced for two years and I just got the side of my nose done. If I can capture a good enough picture of myself, I'll put one up. I really wanted a wittle baby hoop, but the guy (Bradd with two Ds) was like "Noo noo that's a bad idea! I'd have to give you a big hoop because it'd swell! Just get the stud!" Now it doesn't sound all that bad when I type it out, it sounds quite reasonable, actually. But man was that guy an asssshole. He was also the guy that pierced my nose the first time, and someone asked me a very good question today when I was talking about him; "If he's a dick, why did you go back?" And I really had to think. I came to the conclusion that it might be because I was familiar with the place, and even though Bradd was not my cup of tea, he was good at his job. That's really what you're looking for in a piercer. Or at least that's what I'm looking for. If you desire something else, that kind of defeats the purpose of paying someone to do it, doesn't it?
Now this Bradd character, he had scarification and some sort of object IN HIS SKIN. I've heard of scarification, and tee bee H (That's white girl for 'To be honest') I wouldn't mind getting some kind of scarification on me. Maybe not on my face or anywhere too obvious. I could get it on my booty or the back of my thigh, but I'm scared to think about what it would feel like to sit down, since I know even getting a tattoo around there makes it hard to sit for awhile. Or so I've heard, I've never had a tattoo so I can't speak from experience. But who even thought "Hey guys let's open up my arm and put an object in there like a lock and then close my skin back up then I'll have a lock in my arm lol sounds badass." It sounds like it might have started out as some sort of torture or in prison like sagging. If you sagged in prison, it's okay in there to be someone's bitch. But when you got out, why would you want people to know that at one point in your life you were someone's bitch? "Yeah man I been in da struggle I been someone's bitch mane I gotta rep dat shit man. Dass why I'm always saggin and shit man." Umm no. That's not really something you flaunt. But hey, I've never been someone's bitch, so maybe it really is hot stuff.

I rode my bicycle past your window last night

Black Friday was a complete success. If you qualify success as spending all your money and even dipping into your Savings account, then we are on the same page. I didn't want to spend as much money as I did, but I'm sure everyone who went Black Friday shopping can say the exact same thing. Everyone's like "AHH SALES I CAN GET SO MUCH STUFF FOR SO LITTLE." Just kidding. You get a decent amount of stuff for a decent price. Decent price is relative in terms of what you'd normally pay. I got pink Abercrombie pants for $41!! Normally I'd be so upset that I spent 40 dollars on pants, but these are so comfortable and soft and nice quality and HEY, it's getting to be cold outside! I cannot continue this life of just skirts and dresses.

Can you see my boxers through my pants?

Light pink is indeed my favorite type of pink. YES. I did buy boxers from American Eagle yesterday, also. I can't believe I've been living my life without them. They're so comfy and they actually look like shorts so that's what I will be wearing sometimes in the summer. (this decision is something my boyfriend is nawt very keen on.) They have Menorahs on them! Of course I still wear my girly underwear under my boxers, but that extra layer just makes me feel so at home and comfortable. Is that weird? Because my friend is got some with reindeers on them that say HO HO HO and I know she likes them, too.
I went to Ulta, and they had Urban Decay Primer Potion and that one stuff that you spray on your face to keep your makeup on for 9 DOLLARS. That was the best deal I came across all day. I'm too cheap to buy them for regular price, but I actually almost bought two of the sets. That would've been unnecessary, so I didn't. Normally I just ask for really nice makeup for Christmas.. Instead this year I asked for a Motorola Razr, creepers (which my mom was like "these are disgusting."), and miscellaneous other stuff. I love knowing what people ask for for Christmas. It makes me so happy to hear about what makes other people happy! Unless it's beating animals and stealing candy from autistic kids. That doesn't quite bring my mood up.
I have only ever learned to roller blade. I don't know how to roller skate, and TO BE HONEST, roller skates look like confusing shit. I think I'll stick with my in-line skates. I currently don't have any skates that fit me, so how am I going to start a skating gang where we beat stupid people up and play street hockey all the time? You can't be in a roller skating gang unless you have some form of shoes with wheels. Excluding Heelies or whatever they are. If someone tries to join my serious roller skate gang with Heelies, I will be forced to beat them up. It's non-negotiable. I think I might just have a fondness for violence. Too bad none of my friends ever want to fight me. It's probably because most girls literally suck.

Follow my friend NINA! She's so cute and wuv her.

We don't want to tip over the tarantula.

The best time to blog might be when you're doing something, but for some reason you have to put it on hold. You're doing something, so your mind is busy thinking of whatever is you may think of, but you have to put your body to rest and just sit and think. Why not just think and type and think and blog and type and think? It sounds like a pretty logical idea to me, but most people always brush off my ideas like they're too out-there or something.. definitely not.

I finally saw Cannibal Holocaust. Twice. I can truthfully say that I'm traumatized and scared of myself for separate reasons. This movie might cause PTSD for me. Probably not, but it just might. This is the closest I've ever come to being on the verge of vomiting and crying during a film since The Meat Video. (I very much would not recommend watching that video.)  That movie makes me lose so much respect for humanity, though it's not like I had much in the first place. And I know, I KNOW it's just a movie, but there are people out there who will burn down tribes of people to try and look like they discovered something so inhumane in a country not their own. How could anyone want to harm people to make themselves look like a hero? One time a kid in my class said, "if someone killed someone for me I would love them!" Everyone laughed and agreed as I sat there in disgust. The teacher also would not take my comment where I come back and say, "I'm ashamed you'd be happy to see someone dead. That's such a terrible thing to say. No one deserves to die as a punishment." Though, I tell you this as I'm about to go on and mention how I was cheering on the cannibals as they killed and ate the people who terrorized them... I'm choosing to look past my indecisive thoughts some might refer to as "hypocrisy." PSH. It's just a movie, guys. A film that shows four animals being killed. FIVE animals were killed during the making of this movie because they had to film one scene twice, and you can't re-kill something or even use it's dead body. The producers apologize for this movie three fucking times before and after the actual film. It was censored and banned in plenty of countries. And the sad thing is.. the second time I watched it, I wasn't horrified. In fact, I was barely bothered. Now I want to watch all of Ruggero Deodato's movies, even though they seem a little bit the same. Ruggero Deodato was actually SUED for the murder of someone in this movie, and they had to prove she wasn't actually dead. `After I watched Cannibal Holocaust for the second time, I watched I Spit On Your Grave. My day was filled with all the rape and detachment of penises my little heart could desire.

This man loves cannibals, rape, and the cutting of penises

we talked about nothing, which is more than I wanted you to know.

My step-dad did something unforgivable yesterday, and I'm feeling the affects of it today. Let's start from the beginning; two months ago. He had just put Shakes the Clown on our queue or whatever on Netflix for us to get it in the mail. I was just then becoming DETERMINED to see Cannibal Holocaust. I have a beautiful necklace that is from the movie, but I haven't seen it. Well, Sydney, doesn't that make you a hypocrite? Why yes! It really fucking does. I just longed for that lovely necklace of a dead naked girl covered in blood. Every since that day, I have needed to see that movie. My step-dad said he would send Shakes the Clown back. HE DIDN'T.. that is, until three days ago. I stopped myself from buying this movie for two months, thinking it would be coming soon. Did you know that no places carry it in the stores? They have to order it. That stuff messes with my emotions too much. I get all excited like THEY SAID IT WOULD BE HERE TOMORROW AT THE EARLIEST IT BETTER BE HERE. Then it won't come for another week. Do you know how much that messes with a girl's self-esteem??? Actually it doesn't, but it makes me really sad every time I think about it, which is pretty much as bad as killing my self-esteem. At least that's how i see it. Anyhow, the next movie on the Netflix queue arrived today! I almost cried tears of joy when I saw that Netflix envelope in my mailbox. I ran into my house with it and ripped it open (the right way. One time I ripped it open the wrong way and I was traumatized into thinking it could never be returned now.) only to discover the movie in there was NOT Cannibal Holocaust, it was Prometheus or what the fuck ever that movie is. I never wanted to see that movie in the theatre, and now i ESPECIALLY despise it and will NEVER EVER watch it EVER. My step-dad tells me, "oh yeah I put Prometheus at the top. You put your stuff at the top all the time." He seriously put it at the top yesterday or something like that. He did it on purpose and now i have nothing except myself and what's streaming on Netflix. I started White Chicks with my friend, yes yes i have indeed seen it before what do i look like, and there was a scene about dildos that wasn't there before... I asked all my friends the next day if they remember the dildo scene and none of them do. Is it new? Am I crazy? I mean, I'm probably crazy, but I don't think that's the answer for this question. I watch too many movies.

That takes me to my Christmas list. Pretty sure all my friends want to beat my ass for this, but I want a pink Motorola Razr. The flip phone. It's so fabulous! It fits me so well. I'm fabulous, it's fabulous, it was meant to be, OBVI. I use caps a lot but I like it. The reason I want it, though, is really because I'm tired of this damn iPhone. Everyone who has an iPhone is just on it all the time, myself included. Whether I'm on Instagram or Facebook or group texting four other friends of mine, it's always taking up my time. My friends keep trying to give me reasons to keep it like mapquest or the internet. Tuh. Are you fucking joking? Ask someone around you for some damn directions. I'm trynna live my life, not my cell phone. If you want to get ahold of me, call me. I want to be out making something of myself instead of worrying what's going on in the screen in my pocket. That should mean nothing to me. Also, it really pisses me off when I'm with a bunch of people and most of them are on their phone. It's understandable if you're talking to a parent or something, because I know my mom would beat my ass if I didn't reply to her or answer her calls. But if you're just talking to someone else, I don't understand. You're surrounded by people, talk to them. I'm sure you can find SOMETHING to talk about with someone around you. Oh, you hate everyone around you? That sucks. Go explore. Look at the clouds. THINK OF SOMETHING CLEVER. Make something out of twigs and branches? Twigs and branches make cool shit I'm guessing. But I wouldn't know, I have an iPhone. The moral of the story is; iPhones keep you from doing cool shit like making something out of twigs and branches or finding shapes in clouds.

Where is the line with you?

Everyone has that teacher that understands nothing and all the kids think they're smarter than him/her. That's my Latin teacher. He's a nice guy and smart, he's just not quite got the hang of things yet. I used to hate this guy. I literally thought there couldn't be anyone worse for the job. This dude is overly sensitive to regular criticism, which of COURSE makes kids want to fuck with him even more. I admit, I thought it was hilarious at first. I was like "this guy seriously is so dumb and mean let's fuck with him so hard." But, as the weeks have gone on, I realized he's just a new teacher. He'll get used to bratty kids with nothing more on their minds than emotional torture, it takes time and time only. Now, anytime kids in my class mess with him for unnecessary reasons, it pisses me off. I find myself having no tolerance for shenanigans. It seems more like because kids knew they could get away with not knowing anything before, and yelling out that they were confused to really mess with his shit, they're only doing it for the attention now. They think it's funny or something.. Like, no. That joke is so old. We know you get the work. Quit causing a scene trying to press the teacher's buttons. And anytime kid's don't do what they're supposed to or just talk the whole time, then want to bitch at the teacher, I'm just like, "take the fucking initiative. Seriously? Grow up." When I get bad grades (cough cough Bs) I can only blame myself. If I don't understand something, then I need to go see someone who can help me, like a teacher or my mom. Don't just look at your grades and be like "IT'S THE TEACHER MEH" Umm.. colleges don't accept that excuse? If it is the teacher, go see or email another teacher to ask them a question. People need to learn that they've got to do what they can for themselves and that because they're blaming someone else for their misfortunes or screw ups is not going to help them at all. I think I might actually accidentally give people the nastiest looks in class when they're being stupid... Sometimes I feel bad about it. Most of the time I don't.

How come no one tells little girls that if they shave their legs, they should probably shave their bikini lines before they go swimming, too. I spent two years being traumatized in the summer and having to wear shorts and look like a dyke. You best believe I got no boyz when I was little. Now that those years are long gone, I can openly talk about it and how much IT REALLY SUCKED. Also I'm Jewish, so naturally I'm hairier than all my friends... Life sometimes really sucks. Then you get over it and really does turn into a funny story, I promise.

I really like Korn. I discovered that today... Is something wrong with me? I don't think so. I'M PERF THE WAY I AM. OOH OOH OOOOHHHH.

Revolving doors, what have i done?

I have finally gotten my brainwashing machine from school and I'm trying to get used to it. It's a tablet, and I very much hate it. The only good thing about it is that I can blog in seminar (I think/hope/pray[jk]) I hate small technology. MY HANDS ARE TOO BIG FOR THIS. Next thing you know skinny is gonna be the new fat and anorexic is gonna be the new thick because everyone is too big for their small little computers. Who even thought of small technology? Maybe it was the human race savior. He/she thought "Let's start making technology smaller because people will think it's cool at first then it'll get so small no one can handle it and they'll give up on technology. Then there will no longer be the possibility of the Uni-Human!" That person.. I love them.

But, my school is definitely watching my every move. justlikebigbrother. I'm pretty sure they can watch everything I do even when I'm at home... what if I enjoy taking naked videos of myself singing? It could be for my own entertainment only! It doesn't matter. Me and my naked booty will get in trouble at school for our odd hobbies at home. You will NOT find my logging into my Facebook, Twitter, nor Tumblr. I'm sure they could look them up and find something on them to discipline me for, but I'm not giving them more of an opportunity to. F DA SYSTEM. (I might get in trouble if I say 'fuck'. uhoh. I could get my BWM [Brainwashing Machine] taken away.) I always use too many parenthesis and box things with a name I can't think of right now. I wish the school WOULD be like "hey you used foul language in your blog, you get a demerit!!" I think that would get me a detention. HAHA what a joke. This whole technology-in-school thing is a joke. Why would adults always complain about how kids use their phones and computers too much, then give us YET ANOTHER screen to stare at for more of the day. What's wrong with books? They've worked so well all these years, why give up on them now? I just don't understand anything. I'm going to move to Tibet, where if someone wants me they can come find me or send me a telegram. That sounds perfect. 

Today I worked the polls at a firestation, and they didn't have a firedog..... 

Some kind of soul

I pride myself on the fact that I rarely ever use product in my hair. My hair is pretty enough NOT to use product, even if other people don't think so. But something horrifying happened, it might be karma. It might also be the fact that I never learn my lesson. I cut my hair a few days ago, and it does not look good. When it's curly (pretty much always) it rests right on the top of my shoulders. I DON'T LIKE SHORT HAIR. I honestly didn't mean to make it this short! I'm just a little bit slow. When I was cutting it, the sides weren't even so I kept having to take a little bit off of each side until they were.. At least that's what I'm telling myself to make it seem a little better. Really I just fucked up the first time I brought my hair in between those scissor blades. I've cut my hair at least twice a year for the past few years, even if it's only a little trim or bang styling, and it never ever works out. You'd think I would have learned that cutting my own hair just isn't for me! Well, I haven't. Truthfully, I'll probably end up cutting my hair in the future and messing it up again. Whatevs, shit happens. Back to what I came on this site to talk about; I think I have to start using product in my curly locks. I DON'T WANT TO. I'm about to throw a 5-year-old girl tantrum in my room! But I am currently the little girl and the mother, fighting with myself on what I should do. Good thing I'm fabulous and have ideas! I'm going to search for the perfect product. I'm not going to go out and BUY hella products. I'll borrow what my friends have and maybe buy some! doesn't CVS have samples? Hahaha. I'll do what I gotta do. I won't stop until I find something beautiful that makes me love myself, even with hair product, then I will tell the world. Black girl hair styling stufffff is usually what works for me, even though I'm white. shh. 

look how stressed I am about my hair

back when my hair was beautiful.. 

The moral of the story is; don't cut your hair unless you're good at it.

See you on a dark night

Guess where I am. At home. Guess where I should be. At school. I got sick and left. Secretly, i don't like leaving school that much. Sure, I hate it. It makes me so uncomfortable to leave school. What if I miss something? Then I'll be confused for the next week and a half. I also feel like when I come back, everyone's like "Look at Sydney. She missed yesterday, she doesn't belong here!!!"What if people actually think stuff like that?

So now I'm sitting on my couch trying to blog in my fake nails (I actually got them done at the salon! The phone of the Asian lady who did them went off and it was Ke$ha. funny shtuff.)

Look at dem cuties

I took me and my friend Nina to a salon to get our nails done. In all, it costed $45, which was half of what I spent that day. It was a shopping spree/ Sydney and Nina date day. Everyone should have a date day with a friend and just spend one whole check. That's what I did! We got our nails done, went shopping, and somewhere in the middle of the day, made time to go to a Mexican restaurant. Who doesn't love Mexican food? People who don't deserve to eat good food. One time I got harassed by Mexicans on Twitter. I don't really want to talk about it.

My boyfriend and I also had a nice day yesterday. We had a picnic! And I brought my camera! You should get in the habit of having a camera (or an iPhone) with you at all times just in case something cute happens. Cute stuff only happens when you aren't prepared. So either, you can trick Fate and actually be ready when you shouldn't be, or cute stuff will never happen to you ever again. It's a risk you should be willing to take. Or not.

He's so cute

Can I be cute, too?

I've got a problem that I cannot explain

Most of the time i despise the fact that I have an iPhone but right now I'm at my brother's football game and it's really the only chance i've gotten to blog lately.
There's something so beautiful about talking to people about things you're excited to do, and even when they don't approve, you're still excited. I was like "Guess what everybody! I'm gonna get a spray tan!" No one was excited for me. I was still excited for myself, though! I didn't even think about how everyone's disapproving faces and comments hadn't fazed me until i was about to get into the spray tan booth. It's not something you can make yourself feel. You can tell yourself you don't care what people think all you want, but you still do. That's what i did for years. Then all of a sudden, one day i just realized that nothing had broken my spirits; that's when i knew i really HAD stopped caring about other people's opinions. I don't know if i can tell people how to get to that euphoric place of doing things solely for yourself. It'll just happen. All i know is that being positive about what you like is a good thing.
Everytime i try to type "thing" on my phone, i accidentally type "thong." EVERYTIME.

I'm dreaming somebody would simply come and kidnap me

I'm pretty sure every single one of my teachers knows I'd rather be reading than paying attention in class. I'm definitely that kid. Any chance where I can pick up my book for even a second, I will. There's a slight problem with this, though, because I'm very emotional in books and movies and I'm currently reading My Sister's Keeper. I've almost started crying twice in school. To be honest, I don't think I would care that much if I started crying in class. I'd just be like "I'm fine. It's just so sadddd!" Like, why should I care what they think? I already told damnear everyone who asks me about my books that I'm really emotional. So it's not like I'm trying to hide anything. It's also like how I suck my thumb. I am less than a month away from being 16, yet I have no intentions of stopping. I will openly suck my thumb whenever the urge appears. Why does it affect anyone else what I do? I just don't care at all. Sure, sometimes I care what people think, but not most of the time. I fuckin' wear bindis and purple lipstick and my septum ring to school.
Does anyone even like people they go to school with? I used to like them. Then I realized how annoying everyone is and how I'm not much of a people person at all.

Something really funny happened at lunch this week. I made a peach tart for my friends, and I invited my most favoritest teacher ever over and asked if he wanted some. He went and got a fork and then asked if he needed to know about anything that was in it. I totally didn't understand what he was trying to say because I was like "Well, there's brown sugar and cinnamon and-" that's where he cut me off and asked "is there any MARIJUANA in it?" The two boys I sit with just cracked up and I was like "NOOOOO." He still didn't eat any of the crust though. The question is, actually there are a lot of questions; Why would I tell him there was weed in it? Why would I even WANT him to try it if there was weed in it? WHY WOULD I BRING IT TO SCHOOL?? He is dumbb!

I really just had to think of stuff to say because I wanted to post something. ack

The landlord's here to visit

People are always like, "If you have feelings for someone else, then break up with the person you're with. There's no reason to cheat. blah blah blah." And although, in NO way am I for cheating, I just don't think it's that simple. You can't be like "danng that boys cute I'm gonna break up with my boyfriend ASAP so i can try to get with that boy!" If you didn't like the boy you were with, THEN you would break up with him. But most of the time, people still have strong feelings for the other person they're in a relationship with, so in no way want to lose what they have. It's not something you can control when you meet someone new and you develop a little a crush on them.. What if you already liked someone else then you get into a relationship with someone else? I just feel like people need to understand it's a lot harder to deal with than you think. If you do cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend, that's just very sad and you need to think about their feelings, too. I understand mistakes happen, and sometimes it's not something planned or that you even wanted to happen. Some people are just careless. I could never cheat on my boyfriend, but that's just me. But you also never really know a person, someone could cheat on you or their significant other, and you would never suspect them of doing something like that. All I'm saying is, keep an open mind, and just look at the circumstances. I just see people having this discussion a lot and I wanted to put my opinion somewhere. I'm not very good at getting my points across, though. :[

Onward to not-so-depressing things! I like it when I have pink eyebrows c:

oh golly I like my face too much.

They don't swim cause they're all dead.

I think I may have just had the best experience since getting my first paycheck (which happened to have been yesterday. And the first thing I did was buy a cardigan off of Modcloth). I have stumbled upon a website that I truly and utterly am head over heels in love with. I'm scared to talk about it anywhere but here, with my friend Nina and my boyfriend; the monkey. I want it to be my special place where people go "Oh my gosh where did you get that!!!!" and I go, "Just.. online.. I'm not sure I remember the site." But, of course I remember the site. Who could forget something that gives you such an at-home feeling as this? The website is called Pixie Market. I'm sure someone will know what I'm talking about, but this is surely not as popular as Modcloth. Not that I don't love Modcloth or that I'm upset it's popular. I'm glad it is! Then, there wouldn't be people to give me a second opinion in the reviews on whether I should buy the clothes or not. (Not that I always go by what people say. Sometimes I just like to hear their opinions then I discard whatever they said like a wrapper from my favorite candy. [Which is a Ring Pop, by the way.]) Look how many parenthesise I just used! I hope I spelled that word right. Even if I didn't, you should forgive me. Anywayyyyyy, I just love everything on this site. I wouldn't necessarily style it the same as them, but the garments themselves just kill me inside because I don't own them. I'll look over at my closet and it will seem so plain and empty without these things, but it is definitely not plain, nor empty. But, a little more empty than plain. I found the site when I went on a Google search for Harem pants. I couldn't find any on Modcloth, this actually gave me quite the surprise, so I just decided to go to Google. I ended up on a site that listed many OTHER site's Harem pants. I liked the one Pixie Market had to offer, and I liked the name, so I decided to go to the site and quit with all the grab ass and Google searching. (Google searching gets you no where. I try to tell myself it does, but it simply doesn't.) And, that's the end of the story. I'm in love.

I never did get around to talking about my job, did I? Well I get to wear casual things, and I work around organic food all day. That's pretty much it. I'm proud of myself for working with people so well, since normally people get me worked up into hysteria. Not. Good. That's why you see me writing a blog instead of video hosting one on Youtube or something along those lines. I don't want anyone to see me until I'm sure they actually like me! Don't get confused, though, I am NOT one of those people who always chat you on Facebook but never talk to you in person. I rarely talk to anyone on Facebook. I get on to make witty statuses and comments and post funny/cute pictures of myself. That's about it. If I really wanted to talk to you, I definitely wouldn't do it over some goddamn technology. Face to face is my rule.
I do enjoy my job, though. One of my friends works there and another just applied, I'm 99% sure she'll get the job, too. I also like a lot of the new people I've met there. And what's there to dislike about getting paid 8 dollars an hour at 15 so you can spend half of your weekly paycheck on online shopping? Just kidding, I don't spend half, I spend less. I'm trying to be a good boy and save my monies before they all run out like I'm some sort of drug addict addicted to clothes taking too long to come in the mail but not willing to pay more for faster shipping. I'm also not a boy so I can't be a "good boy." Yet I often refer to myself as being a male like saying, "ya boy", or "I'm a good boy," and other nonsense along those lines. When I do things like that people just tend to give me an odd look, then act like I never said anything at all. What. Ever. 

I really wanted to mention this early in my blog, but I was already off task so I saved this comment for at the end. Which is now. I hate when people are like "Forgive me!" Umm.. shouldn't you be asking for forgiveness? Or at least say "please," damn. It always made me mad when I went to try to beat Shao Kahn on Mortal Kombat for PS3 (It took me a long time) and I had to go through that whole intro thing again, and Raiden would be like "Lua Kang, forgive me.." I was like, "dang Raiden! Maybe you should be less demanding about a favor like that!" I mean, Lua Kang was pretty shitty at him. You can't go making commands to someone who thinks you've doomed everyone to Hell.

I just came to say Hello

Something simply amazing happened today! Take a few minutes to guess what it might be. Unless you thought "She got a job" then you're wrong. Dead wrong. Blah blah blah WRONG. I don't work at the library, unfortunately, but this job might be a little better for me (though I do love reading so the library would've been almost PERF). I got a job at a little local organic food store! It's like, half outside and they also sell pie! Do you guys know how much I love pie?! I actually really hate pie. But, I love to make it! My mom won't let me make pies and take them to school anymore because I took them for kids and the kids were very inconsiderate and threw my mom's pie pans away.. even though they were metal.. and I was in the cafeteria with them at the time. I don't think I will ever not be mad at those kids for that. *sigh*. I'm just so happy I will finally be making money! Watch out Modcloth, Etsy, Light in the Box, and Lime Crime, here I come! That's pretty much where I'll be spending all my money. I see no reason in spending it anywhere else unless I was some fake nails or food. 

I've been in love with fake nails since a little before the last post because I'm so fabulous, and I finally got them. But they're from CVS and they're super fake looking. I just love it so much. 

Yes, hoe, I DID use Instagram on my phone for this.

THEY'RE SO FAKE IT'S EVEN OBVIOUS IN THE PHOTO. I love it. Next time I will want them a little longer, though, because I actually had to file down my nails a little bit so they didn't show under these ones.. that would be so awkward. I'm too fabulous for that. 

Please watch this here video on Buddhist monks and tigers! It's so adorable.

I like to watch the way the wind blows.

I get a little sad inside when people tell me they don't like to read. Why don't people enjoy reading? People can spend their whole day reading statuses and tweets, but when it comes to an actual story, or something with a little more meaning, they say they don't like it. Maybe I take it too personally. But it's a little depressing. On the other hand, when people tell me they love reading, I get so excited! I'm like, "REALLY? ME, TOO! I LIKE TO READ!" I don't care what it is people like to read. Just the fact that they get pleasure from doing so makes me happy. 

My mood raises 50% when I go shopping for body things. Going to get face wash, shampoo, soap, lotion, anything spa-related, tampons, and makeup make me the happiest person alive. I can't say I love shopping for anything more than those things. Yes, I DO love shopping for tampons. I get so excited when I run out of them because that means I can go to the store and get more! Something about new body related products leaves me feeling clean and fresh. I never get the same face wash, shampoo & conditioner, or soap two times in a row. Let's say I get Herbal Essence, after I run out I get John Frieda, then I run out of John Frieda and get Herbal Essence again. That's fine with me! As long as I don't get the same product after I run out of it. That makes me feel dull and dirty. It's peculiar that I would feel dirty when buying hygiene products if I don't buy the right one, but it happens. I couldn't go into any more detail than that even if I tried. There's no explanation for why I feel this way. Surely, I'm not the only one, though. 

I'm just a girl.

It's sad to say but I decided that I'm going to go back to brown hair for when school starts. I love my purple, I truly, truly, do. But it's a lot to keep up with because the roots always fade, and it's very damaging. I think it will just be best if I go back to brown and leave it alone for awhile. I'll miss it a lot, but I'm doing what's best for my hair. God, it sounds like I'm leaving somebody.
More than anything I want fake nails. I want them to look fake, too. They must have pretty flowers and jewels! But only a medium length. Long nails would look scary on me. They will be light pink and maybe purple. Oh, I am soooo excited! Who knows if I'll even get them, but that doesn't matter right now because just thinking of them makes me happy! Then I get sad because I think about my bindis, and how I lost them. I had a little bag filled with four packs of bindis, and I don't know where my little bag is. My room is a complete disaster, so I'm sure they're in here somewhere, but I'm still so sad thinking about them
You know what else makes me sad? Mortal Kombat. That's one of my favorite games ever, but I tried to play on Story Mode and I got to the last level (I think? I hope.) and I can't beat the Shao Kahn with Raiden. I couldn't even estimate how many times my boyfriend, my step-dad, and I have tried to beat him. We just keep playing over and over until they won't let me play anymore because I get so upset. Video games make me very emotional. My step-dad said he would buy me a head set for Call of Duty; Black Ops because he thinks it's funny when I yell at people, so it MUST be even funnier if they could hear me yelling. I admit, I would love them to hear me yelling. Sometimes they just don't get the message if i knife them or other crazy shit i do to them to get on their nerves because they don't know how to fucking play a game correctly. Now, I'm definitely not saying that I'm the best player out there, but I know what to do well enough and I know common curtesy.
I hate advertising myself on other websites. Like, when someone makes a status "Follow me on twitter!" or stuff like that. Sure, I will put up a link if you so CHOOSE to want to find my other accounts on other social networking websites, but I don't really feel comfortable shoving it in people's faces. I don't even have a link to my blog on my Twitter, but I'm thinking about putting it there. Right now there's a link to my Tumblr on there, but if they come here, they will find a link to my Tumblr. Not that I need people I know following my Tumblr. I'm not even sure if I want people who know me to see my blog. Decisions, decisions. Give me a few days and I will have my mind made up! Not that it really matters. Maybe it does. But for now, I'm telling myself it doesn't.

I have something very important to say and I probably won't even go into that much detail. I am against drugs. I don't do drugs, and I don't drink. I understand if maybe people are having a big party, or on New Years Eve want to smoke or drink a little, okay whatever. But doing hardcore drugs and other stuff all the time, like every day or every weekend, it's just too much. You don't know what you're consuming. You don't know if your body can handle it. You really don't know anything about what you are about to put into your body except for that it is probably going to make you feel different. Different good or different bad? You don't know. People take so much risk and put their faith into something that shouldn't hold their trust. Most people do it to fit in. They think it's a social thing. fuck you, and what you think you need to do for others. And if anyone tries to convince me to do some drugs, fuck them, friend or not. That's wrong. Someone who's like "You don't do drugs? Wow you're lame," or "Hey, why don't you do drugs anymore? That's ignorant. They aren't that bad. Just do some with me. Don't act like that," are just as ignorant and aggravating as those who judge people because they DO do drugs. Just leave people alone.

I could never be your woman.

I was in Chicago for the weekend! Let me tell you, I may be 15, but $140 is not enough for shopping in Chicago at all. I didn't even go anywhere designer. Do I look like I can afford anything designer? No. I can afford Elle magazines in the mail every month where i flip through the pages dreaming one day I will be able to afford designer. Ha. I was so excited to actually have more than a hundred dollars in my wallet, but the first night we go to Michigan Ave, where I head into Top Shop and I want to cry. I felt so poor. You know what I need? A job. This weekly allowance is not enough to pay my bills! Well, not my bills. My shopping habit. Stealing is not really something I want to pick up, either. Even the stores that they have where I live, don't carry the same things in Chicago. This is the first time I've been to Chicago and could actually appreciate what was going on and where I was. I think i went when I was 7.
I'm so excited to get started on painting, because we went to the Shedd Aquarium and I took pictures of Jellies that I want to paint!

Aren't they, like, super cute?

I just love Jellies so much! My favorite part is calling them "Jellies" and not "Jellyfish". I took this from my iPhone, which did a waaayyyy better job than my camera. That makes me a little sad inside.
One part that I dislike about Chicago is that I get so tired walking everywhere, yet I can't call my mom to just tell her to pick me up really quick. No. Bitches don't drive in Chicago. That doesn't change the fact that I'm still too lazy to walk any further, though.
I don't think I appreciate art as much as some people do. If I think it's ugly and boring, I can't stare at it and be like "WOW. Look at dem brush strokes. Oh gosh. Ooooh gosh." It won't take me long to go through an art museum because I don't need to look at one painting for ten minutes. I do, though, enjoy modern art. It catches my interest a lot more. I, myself, enjoy drawing and painting, but I prefer to look at people's sculptures. Those are so much more interesting to me. But If I had to choose something to look at for hours, it would be nature. I like looking at the ocean, and the sky, and animals. Animals are just so cute and do the darndest things! My computer shows that "darndest" isn't a word but I swear I've heard people use it before.

I could sleep

There's something about shopping at the mall too much that genuinely scares me. So many people shop at the mall. Which also means, so many people shop at about the same three of four stores. We could also all own a lot of the same clothes. What if we all start to look alike? I'm not angry at that thought, or even annoyed. I'm scared. I'm frightened that everyone might look the same. I'm sure I'm overreacting but it's one of those thoughts that keeps coming back and you don't know why because it SHOULD mean nothing to you yet it's there all the time, lurking in the back of your mind every time you see kids your age or hear your friends talk about going shopping. I used to have a nice thrift store by my house but it closed down out of nowhere. I'm thinking the mob was involved. I did not say the store name so there will be no mob tracking me down to catch me!

The past couple of nights I've been dreaming about blush. I really want blush, but i wasn't quite aware I wanted it THAT bad. If it's bad enough to have dreams about it, you know it's some serious shit.

Something good, besides me no longer looking like a hot mess, has come from me re-dying my roots! I had this pale-pink with glitter nail polish on my nails. Coloring my hair also meant coloring my nail polish. You'd think they would turn purple, but they didn't! They have a baby blue color on them, and in some spots pink shows through a little. You can also see the sparkles perfectly! It's so cute. I feel like a snow princess on one hand. I've already tried taking a bunch of pictures of my hand in different poses with different types of flash (I'm too lazy to change rooms for a variety of lighting) and none of them do my snow princess hand any justice. So, I'll leave it to your imagination.

You'll always find us out to lunch

I'm on my friend's computer while she's in the shower and don't tell her but I added a Sex Pistols station to her Pandora. I should be in a punk band. Me and my boyfriend are going to have one later on, and it'll just be us two. He's gonna play the acoustic guitar and I will play the cello. We will be so bad, we're awesome. It all makes so much sense. It's funny because the Ramones are such a popular band but all their songs sound damnear the exact same. The thing about Ramones' fans is; they know this. Yet, it doesn't bother them at all. They all know that the Ramones have really only two or three songs. People say the same about the Sex Pistols, but it's just not as intense and in your face as the Ramones are. I'm not too deep into punk yet, but I'm getting there.

About halfway down my head and beyond, my hair is a pretty fuchsia color, but my bangs are a dirty green/blonde that i detest with every molecule in my body and if I could use other molecules to hate with, I would. I think it looks gross. It's like I don't know how to color my hair. I don't care if people don't like my hair for what it's supposed to look like, but if it doesn't look like how I want it to, that's when I get self-conscious. If I don't even like it, how can I expect anyone else to? I don't want to keep re-dying it with the color I have so I'll just wait a few more weeks and get Adore then use that on my hair. I'll probably go back brown or so when school starts. I never wear heavy makeup, or my nose ring, or odd colors in my hair when I'm in school. Only when I'm out of school. I don't really have much of a reason except that it makes me feel uncomfortable in school to have my nose ring down or to have a shit ton of makeup. I mean, no one says anything rude. In fact, most people compliment me. There's just a shake-y feeling in my ribs that makes me want to run to the bathroom and redo my makeup and take my nose ring out. Which is really saying something because I steer clear of the bathroom as much as I can. If I have to pee, I have to make sure it's in that awkward time in the period so I know that no other girls are in there. Sure, there are girls in there sometimes, but it takes me like fucking five minutes to pee because I'm so nervous, and let me tell YOU, I don't even sit on the toilet seat! So can you imagine how sore my legs are by the time I'm actually done peeing? It could be a workout routine I have for myself. Go to the bathroom when there are girls in there so you are stuck in the squat position for seven minutes.
... How did I even get started talking about that.... Nevermind I don't care.

Where is my mind?

I have an iPhone and i can honestly say i spend too much time on it doing nothing. I don't spend as much time as some people, but i definitely spend more than i feel i should. Hell, i'm writing this post from my phone now. I always feel guilty spending time on my phone. I'm like "Sydney. You can be doing other more productive things that don't involve technology whatsoever. Like painting. Or reading. Or cleaning your room you said you'd clean three weeks ago but still have yet to do." I agree with myself on all of this, and i know i'm doing NOTHING on my phone, but i'll be like "okay just let me check Twitter once more then i'll set my phone down." Nothing new is on Twitter, but I stay on my phone for another 20 minutes anyway. I don't understand. I know that I can be doing other stuff, but i stay on anyway? The same goes for the computer. I try to make myself feel better by reading Cracked articles from my phone and being like "good job, Sydney! You're reading!" but it's not the same at all. I almost wish i didn't have an iPhone just so i didn't even have the opportunity to get caught up in it. But, I do. And I'm not complaining all THAT much. Having a smart phone is a gift and a curse.

Get The Cool Shoe Shine

I promise I'll try to stay here for awhile. I haven't done a very good job being consistent.. with anything. I'm just a kid but I feel like I get bored with things too easily. I'm trying to get better, though!

At the beginning of school my hair was a dark brown, and I kept it that way all through school. I only re-dyed it once, just to match my natural hair better because my roots were getting long. I tried so hard to get it healthy, and I think I succeeded! but the first weekend of summer came along and I wanted to be blonde like last summer. Well, I bleached my hair but because it's so thick and long, I needed more than one bottle... I should've known. It turned out orange. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised or that I didn't have this little thought in the back of my mind telling me this would happen.

I'm stylin' with my Betsey Johnson glasses

 Look at my roots. They're hella blonde. I don't know whether it's a good thing or not, but they'll stay that way when I add purple to my hair.

This picture was the day after I dyed my hair purple, I'm sure you can tell if you take a closer look at my hands. I used N Rage's Purple Plum (Even though I wanted Adore's Purple Rage. I guess the lady at the store didn't understand when my stepdad went to go get it.) I was planning on going purple later this summer, but I changed my mind when I saw the way my hair turned out after the one bottle of bleach. I didn't want to keep bleaching it because it'd get so damaged after I worked for a whole year to get it healthy again, and with damage comes a disgusting layer of frizz on my hair. So, instead of bleaching it more, I just decided to go ahead and put the purple in early. But I learned my lesson and bought two bottles of the purple! Even though I have plenty left over... I guess I'll just use it to re-do my roots.

It's funny because the purple stayed on my hands, neck, and back for about a week. (It's a week today.) the color on my neck and hands went away yesterday but I still have a stripe of purple down my back because it washes out in the shower a little bit every time i get in. It concerns me a little bit that this is happening, but I'll let it be and if the bleeding continues, I'll change my shampoo. But I really like my Burts Bees shampoo. :(