Drop it, it's dead. We drop dead.

Am I allowed to be flattered when my friends call my phone at 1 o clock in the morning to ask me if I want to proceed with a stupid idea with them? I mean, of course I DO want to be involved in some plot that shouldn't have been thought of, but I think that really says something about my character. I didn't think I was that bad of a kid, and honestly I'm not, but I must be bad compared to the rest of the people I associate with if my friends are calling ME and not someone else. The only problem is, I don't really keep stuff from my parents. In fact, I don't really keep things from anyone. I tell everyone how I feel and about my problems, because I literally don't understand why i should be embarrassed of the way I'm feeling or what's going on in my life. I know my boundaries, though. Don't think I share all my secrets willy nilly, I'm just more casual about most things than a lot of people.

I started this post like 20 hours ago (that was a made up number but somewhere around there.) and now I'm sitting in my friend's room with him and another friend. (Shani and Clay.) The door is closed, but we're all on our own computers and playing completely different songs. THIS ISN'T OKAY. Clay is playing Teriyaki Boyz, Shani is listening to Lhasa De Sela, and I'm listening to NWA. I don't like what they're playing, but I think we all feel the same. I almost convinced them to be quiet while I was playing Cat Stevens, but it didn't work out too well... Even playing Britney Spears hasn't made Shani turn her music down. I'm a little concerned.

Can we talk about how I branded myself and how proud of it I am? I tried to look up on the internet how to do it yourself just to make sure I'd be okay, well they said I needed all this professional shit and that I was supposed to be drunk while eating jelly beans. I don't like alcohol, nor jelly beans, and I sure as hell don't have any professional equipment. What do I look like??? If I had professional hot pens or whatever, I wouldn't be looking up how to work it on the internet. dur. So Shani just put Hydrogen Peroxide on a paper clip i molded into a heart, and on my skin. She heated up the paper clip heart with a lighter, then made me stick it on my skin. It shocked me at first, so I took it off, then put it back on for a few more seconds. It really didn't hurt as bad as you'd think it was, but I have a high pain tolerance. Heat is not something I'm sensitive to. I wash it everyday and put Neosporin type stuff on it, then cover the damaged goods with a bandage. Most of my friends don't want to know what it looks like, though I'm positive that they'll see it eventually, but I thought it might be nice to show it on my blog.

this isn't considered sexting, is it? 

Totes badass. No fun without risk.

Bricks AKA my best friend.

I often find there are no ways to escape bad days, even to the point where bad days become bad weeks, adding up to more bad weeks. I doubt someone can actually run away from these times. We were meant to live them, though I know we don't like it. In fact, we hate it. It hurts. The worst part is, most people just don't understand that others go through exactly what we're going through. A friend could say, "Today sucks sooo baddd I just wanna go home." You think to yourself, "Well, why are they so upset? It's not like much has gone wrong. I feel so much worse." Life should not be a competition on who's 'more sad'. I can hear everyone reading this right now, making little noises in either confusion or realization. But, I won't take back what I said, all there is to do is try and convince people not to make life about what they don't realize they're making it about. I KNOW damnear 80% of the time when someone is having a bad day, no one cares to think, "I understand. Bad Days happen." Granted, this happens on occasion, just not often enough to make us as a humanity 'good people'. Instead we think, "They're overreacting. They're annoying me. Seriously shut up whining. Be happy you're making this awkward." Don't for one second deny to yourself that you do this. There are few people in the world who DON'T do this, and the likely hood of any of them stumbling upon my blog and reading it is about the size of a grain of sand. You're probably doing it. "She doesn't know me. I don't do that." Shut the fuck up. Yes, you do. You need to learn to recognize the wrong things that you do in order to correct them. You can't just wish on a star "Dear Star/God/Vishnu/stuffed animal, please help me be a better person. Thanks. Deuces. Night," then not work on making yourself a better person. Why, that won't help you at all. I won't say it makes you worse, but maybe equally as bad. I'm not even saying that I'm perfect. IN NO WAY am I the best person I can be. I don't know a single person who is the best they can be. I catch myself everyday laughing at people just letting my friends talk shit, hell, I talk shit. I realize it. I know it, it hurts. I'm sure it doesn't hurt as much as if I knew half of what my friends said about me behind my back. You may think that letting your feelings out are a good thing, and I'm not saying it isn't, but what we've got to take note of is what is actually 'letting feelings out' and just talking about whatever comes to our mind. I see people walking down the hallway or down the street and I think "What the actual fuck could have ran through their mind as they were getting ready this morning?" But soon after, (in mind-time. so like half a second later) I correct myself. I definitely don't like what they're wearing, and I don't think it could be in any high-fashion magazine I would get sent to MY house, but if they like it then I'm glad for them. I'm happy they can walk out of their house with their head high, wearing what they want and being what they want without letting what other people like me affect them. I DO THAT SHIT. We tell ourselves the same thing every time we step into our clothes for the day; "I don't care what others think of me. I'm me." But we don't have the decency to let others do them? So let me get this straight, You can do what you want, but they can't do what they want? Exactly. It doesn't make sense and it's selfish. It's EXTREMELY selfish to pick apart what someone has on. (Granted, you are exempt from this if you happen to work in fashion. There's a little bit more to that. Unless this person you are critiquing is not there for that. Then shame on you.) It breaks my heart a little every time I catch myself doing mean things. I've been in such a crazy mood lately, and today everyone just annoyed the shit out of me. I said things I should have probably kept to myself, (okay I promise I was joking when I was talking to those freshman boys at lunch), and looking back I'm a little ashamed that I could let myself even think something like what I said. I will make a fool of myself to no end, I run into walls, and lay on the ground in the middle of the hallway, I don't care. Saying mean things, or laughing when someone else says something mean, that is what embarrasses me at night when I reflect on my day. When I'm having a bad day and I'm nice to someone else, it makes me feel a little better inside. I KNOW how cliche and gay that sounds. I'm supa serious, though. There's this kid in my grade who I just want to say nice things to him all the time because he's such a sweet kid and there's nothing wrong with him at all, but he seems to have very few friends and people just aren't quite the nicest to him. I don't know what to say, though! After today when he sat near me at lunch he probably never wants to hear another word come out of my mouth. I accidentally stole his seat when he left the table because I thought he wasn't coming back, then he did. I felt so terrible but I had just went on a rampage, so I was scared to invite him back over to sit with us because I thought he'd be like "I definitely don't want to sit with that bitch. She's fuckin' crazy and mean." These are the times I regret letting my feelings get the better of me. I meant little to nothing of what I said when I was upset even though I was laughing the whole time, so it's possible (and I'm hopeful) no one took me serious anyway. Even still, if you're having a bad day, I'm sorry. I wish I could be there, although most of the time even if someone IS there for you, it just can't seem to make you feel any better. That's got to come from you. You know how it is to feel downright shitty for no reason, so why be annoyed with someone else when they are? It's selfish, like I said. I don't think this is the way people should feel. Having said all I think I can say, with a little extra, sometimes people are a little dramatic. Okay, kids tend to be drastically dramatic (like what I did there?), and at that point you've got to tell someone to wake up. It's just a circle. I don't know if there's more I can say.

This whole not sleeping and going crazy experience has really enlightened me. I'm grateful, but now I wish I could sleep again.

StrawberryFieldsForeva

The best thing going in my life right now has ended. And that best thing was Ugly Betty. I sound like such a teenage girl but it's okay BECAUSE I AM. I'm allowed to be emotionally attached to great television shows then feel empty when they're over especially if it's a Saturday night and I'm home alone. (aka alone but my parents are here.) I might as well just invite my mean cat into my room and try to cuddle with her. That's how I feel right now; I should be snuggling up to my little kitty who is angered easily and really enjoys drinking from the sink. *would insert a picture of her here if I wasn't so lazy and out of my mind* Can we change the name of my blog from "Soap" to "The Final Words of A Girl in The Midst of Going Insane."? Because I think that would describe me much more, though I do have a strong appreciation for soap that smells really good. So maybe the title shouldn't be Soap because I should want to appreciate all soap not just soap that smells good. Okay, deuces to Soap. *Leave by Jojo starts to play*.

How can I describe how I'm going crazy to people unless they have actually experienced this at some point in their life? When a TV show being over means you have to face realities that exist in your life that are JUST like the ones in the show, you can't sleep ever (except maybe sometimes in the day when you don't even want to be asleep), and your therapist tells you that you might be manic even though you get nothing done. At least someone who is manic can manage to get shit done, I just fantasize about all the stuff I could be doing but then I find myself three hours later, wondering when I got here. I almost jumped out of my bed, throwing the computer off of my lap, because I had such a nice idea. I can't decide whether I should multitask or just work on one thing at once. Did you know there is really no such thing as multitasking? (On a side note Leave by Jojo just came on my pandora mix so it's a sign that I will stay blogging).

It's hard to be the person to ignite the letting go process. Especially if the other(s) don't/doesn't feel the same way.. There's nothing you can do to change your feelings. If you tell yourself that you'll be okay making others happy, that just isn't going to work. I spend a lot of my time trying to not hurt someone else's feelings (Unless I actually am trying to get a point through to someone, sometimes you have to be a huge bitch for people to listen. Not always) and sacrificing my own, but that only ends up hurting everyone in the long run, even you. you may think it won't, but I know what I'm talking about, almost. The ending to this era of my life has not yet come, so I don't quite know the final product of what happens when feelings change, but I have a feeling I'm at the peak of the story, and quite frankly, no one is happy. My family is not happy seeing me go crazy, my friends are not happy with my indecisive feelings, my significant other is not happy that I don't know how I feel, and I'm not happy that I don't know how I feel. I'm sure a stranger would be completely happy with me because I'm pretty funny, if I do say so myself. But not too long after you find a stranger, they stop becoming a stranger, then they are no longer happy because I am not happy, then I find out why I should be sad for them, too. This is what happens when you (A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton just came on my Pandora.) try to keep your feelings hidden for as long as possible. Basically, nothing good. Think about it logically, how COULD something good come from lying to yourself and others? Nothing. Now, I'm not saying you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/drumset get into a fight and that night you're all like "I DON'T THINK I WANNA DO DIS ANYMOE." Well, you might just be emotionally unstable and unable to make those kind of decisions, so why don't you just cry until you are ready to think with a clear head. Some people don't have clear heads even at the clearest of times, (me) so you just kind of have to work with what you have.

Some things that make me happy when I'm sad:

"You're not like all da otters!!"

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZ8IethsyIQ
• online shopping
• watching Ugly Betty
• dressing up
• crying
• sleeping
• running
• any sort of art making 
• listening to music I used to listen to not long enough ago

It's not my fault, I'm happy

I have not been able to sleep at all these past few days. It's such an odd sensation I get when I'm trying to go to sleep. It's like I feel how soft and calmed my body becomes as if I was sleeping, but my mind is wide awake. My thoughts come as if I were just sitting in class during second period or something. (Second period being lunch time since we only have four classes a day and we start at 9:00 am). I just laid in my bed last night for hours on end, thinking about how serene my body was, and how much I enjoyed it completely. That being said, my physical state was the only thing I've enjoyed about not being able to sleep. It just feels like I'm going crazy all the time because I'm so tired.

Do you ever have those moments in your life where you just want to do some damage? Like, go out and pick a fight with some random person who could probably kick your ass, or cut off all your hair, or give yourself scarification? I get that feeling a lot. It's almost like that is the perpetual feeling of my life. The other night I sat in my bed, looking up how to give yourself scarification and how to sanitize and take care of it. I may be a badass in the sense that I get a thrill from self harm, but I'm not trying to accidentally poke a major artery or get a giant infection where later on in my life I won't have a scarified heart or something I'll have a lump of bubble skin. No one wants bubble skin, because it's fucking gross. I mean sure, maybe someday you'll meet someone who will appreciate the story behind your deformed epidermis or maybe someone has a fetish for any kind of lump and/or bubble. That probably/most likely/99% sure that won't happen to you. So be careful or get in professionally done. After looking up how difficult it could be to scarify myself, I then considered branding myself. The only problem with that is, I don't have a pretty metal shape I'm okay with imprinting into my skin permanently. I love Jackass, but I don't think I could just let anyone brand something on me willy nilly; like a penis. on my ass. (Haha isn't it funny I said "willy nilly" then talked about a penis?) I tend to resort to punching myself in the face in Latin class due to my boredom. The person to my left, Shani, also enjoys chewing on her tablet. So there we are in the middle of Latin class; me punching myself in the face and Shani chewing on her tablet, both of us cracking up. It's quite a scene, and I think the teacher just doesn't know how to handle it so he laughs and leaves us alone. FINE BY ME.

I think I'm going to India next summer for three weeks. My Latin teacher wants to take some students over there for culture research, and I thought it sounded really nice. YES I know that India is disgusting, but I seriously am so in love with it. I admit, I hadn't put a great deal of thought into going to India until one of my other teachers came up to me out of the blue and says "Sydney I recommended you to go on that trip to India!" My heart... was touched. I could've cried tears of joy right there, but I held them back. (They never resurfaced.) And now, to end the story, I'm dead set on going to India. I will also get a bitchin' tan.

I'm being followed by a moonshadow

My day started off completely, disgustingly, terrible. I might go into if people I know didn't read my blog and they'd probably ask me about it tomorrow. I'm finally starting to feel better on my way to school (Isn't that funny? Funny strange, not funny "haha"), and it really only gets better from there. For some reason today went by so smoothly, but my friends were all like "Sydney is crazy today! Why are you acting so weird?" See, I didn't think I was acting weird.. Also when I think about today, I get a negative feeling. It's only when I really start thinking about it, that I realize it was actually really pretty decent. Pretty sure that's how everyone is. One thing goes wrong, and they're just like "aww the day sucks awwww" But in all reality, their day is not that bad. We just can't get that bad thing out of our head. I guess the same thing is true for if something REALLY good happens to us, but it has to be something that makes us all butterfly-like on the inside of our little bellies. A very small, or not-so-small, bad thing could happen to us during the day, and that's it. The day from then on fucking sucks. At night, we lay in our beds and cry about how that made us sad. Okay, maybe that's not everyone. Maybe that's just girls. If that's not all girls, I'm just going to go ahead and disown myself for being so sensitive. As far as I know, most girls do shit like that. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'm uncomfortable being openly proud about my artwork. It's just not right. I feel like I sound cocky, like "yeuh bitch look at dis painting. it's wassup." I never see my paintings as "wassup," though that doesn't mean sometimes I very much like an aspect of them. There's always something in my art that pisses me off and I just want to throw it away, and because of that little section, I guess it could also be a large section, I'm embarrassed of the whole thing. I wish I could stand up and give a speech about my art before I have to present it in class. I paint my friends a lot, but I'm so intimidated to show them when I'm done! What if they think I made them look like a fat cow old lady? I don't want them to be upset with me at all.. I just want people to be happy for what I've done.

For some odd reason every time I go out with my mom somewhere; actually, scratch that. I could be going ANYWHERE. Not even with her, and she'll say, "Why do you look so dressed up today?" She has yet to fail to ever ask me that question if I'm wearing a skirt or dress. Um, I guess I was unaware that having on a skirt, specifically a MINI skirt, was considered dressed up? The funny thing (I've got to stop saying funny when I mean strange) is that she has yet to fail to ask me this question anytime I'm wearing a skirt or dress. I admit, sometimes I look a little more grunge or... well I don't know what to call it, than other days. I may have a classier dress on on Sunday, but Saturday I was wearing chucks with my skirt. She thinks that really makes a difference. If I am not in COMPLETE formal attire, like black-tire formal, don't ask me that damn question! I know when to look presentable, and sometimes the outfits I wear that involve skirts and dresses are not even appropriate for nice events. It's just a pet peeve of mine that she always asks why I look so dressed up, WHEN CLEARLY I AM NOT DRESSED UP. SORRY I LIKE TO WEAR SKIRTS AND MAYBE NOT LOOK LIKE FRESH SHIT WHEN I WALK OUT OF MY HOUSE. 

deranged, we've all been through some shit

You might think that because I have a blog, I have something interesting to say, and interesting things to say come from experience. Yes, I have some experience. BUT I'M NOT AS EXCITING AS YOU THINK. I thought high schoolers were supposed to party all the time and be promiscuous and have crippling drug and/or alcohol addictions. I don't and have none of those things.  I just like to spend money on cute clothes and nose rings. The shopping part is normal, I guess. At least for girls. Have you ever seen my room? It's filled with pandas. I sleep with a blue blanket I've had since I was little. I'm not a downright bitch to my mom all the time. I enjoy spending my time watching Ugly Betty, reading, knitting, and sitting by myself outside. I look back at this, and I can't decide if I've failed or succeeded as a teenager. If I go by what's around me, I'd say that I've failed. But when I really think about it, I'm fucking #1 in this damn race. Seriously? I am so proud of myself. There's no point in getting worked up over silly things like a lot of girls do. I'm so happy with simple things. I don't always need something in front of my face to be satisfied. Why do people get bored if they aren't completely absorbed in what they're doing? I'm content with just sitting around with friends. Maybe it's because me and my friends are just really funny. We talked about it, and we came to the conclusion that we should have our own reality show on some television channel.

Seriously this is us in a nutshell. Look at me with my prostitute lookin' ass. That's just what we do. Dress up like we have mental disorders then fight. It sounds like a good life to me. Also, in that last picture, Olivia is drinking Orange juice and Shani is drinking coconut milk (So much better than coconut water, I've discovered.) I'm mad Shani is in all the pictures, but ohwell! It doesn't make her more important than anyone! Just.. always in the action. yes definitely. Some people like to chase what they think they're supposed to want. I don't chase shit because I've got all I want. Well, not materialistically. I really want Creepers, but that's a different subject and completely irrelevant for what I was talking about. Sorry I ruined the mood. If I could go back and change how my life panned out, I wouldn't change most of it. I'M JUST BEING REALISTIC. There ARE some things I would change. Then again, if I changed them, I would not have gained the life experience I did. Either way, I've had some not-so-fun times in my life. That's just how shit goes, though. You can't be happy all the time and you're life isn't going to just be perfect all the time. If it was perfect at first, it'd suck later because you wouldn't have grown up then people would shun you when you became an adult. So either way, life sucks sometimes. Or all the time, depending if you're a pessimist. If so, I suggest seeing someone about that. If a therapist doesn't help you, you either need medication or seriously you just really suck.