You can't get a grip if there's nothing to hold

The last few days I've pretty much been stuck in my house. The temperatures and amounts of snow on the street are "dangerous". Not saying they aren't, it just sounds so silly to me. There's been no school and this week is review week for finals, where I should be getting study guides and fretting over things like "how am I going to pass my AP Calculus class when I never learned anything for me to remember?" Instead I have sat/laid in my bed either by myself or with my boyfriend and watched movies. Or thought about blogging but then never getting around to it. Even now I think something that really motivated me to sit down and write is so I can avoid working on art, which is damnear the only assignment I had over break. (Hinting at the fact that my finals are after break for some reason.) Well you know what? Artists block is a THINg and I HATe it. Once I finish a piece of art I feel like I'm not really done, but I need to move on, but starting a piece of art is the hardest part. Maybe I'm just a bitchboy. I've even begun to clean my room and rearrange in order to ignore everything else I have to do while feeling good that at least I'm not sitting on my ass all day long. It feels good to do something productive, whether it's the type of productivity that is demanded in a time frame, I choose to ignore.

Yesterday was the first day I put on actual clothes, didn't shower sometime after 5 pm, and put on makeup. I guess maybe I did all that because I had to work yesterday, which I wasn't even sure if I was going to have to work, but I did. Yuck.

Today was the first day I've actually decided to put on clothes and makeup FOR MYSELF. It hurts that I'm wearing as much black as I am. I hate wearing black, and what do I hate wearing more than black? GREY. Black can at least be classy but for some reason grey looks so cheap and I don't even know what to put with grey. What even comes in grey besides weirdly shaped cardigans and knit turtle necks?? I'm pretty sure nothing. (okay there are few things that are cute with grey but they're so out of my fashion league ((price range)) it's not even funny.) (When did I decide it was okay to go back to parenthesis within parenthesis?) I honestly don't really remember how I got to the point of accepting a black shirt and black pants in the same outfit today, but it happened and I think I'm just gonna roll with my edgy look I've got going on. I needed SOME color, because, hey, it's me, am I right? right guys? *douche bag laugh* hu hu hu hu.

I've been trying so hard to not touch my hair and let it grow out, so I have darkish brown roots and strange, bland rest of hair. Well, if it's already been tainted, why not do something with it? I colored the body of my hair that has already been touched by color red, and left my roots to grow out. I spent so long in my house this week, being bored, trying to think of ways to change my appearance without damaging my progress roots or mutilating myself that i will regret later. Then, I'm struck by my brilliant idea that should've come sooner but at least it came! Fashionably late. (hu hu hu.)

I have an app to edit photos and I suck

This isn't even my room. 

It's my mom's room.

I lent my camera out to a friend, so the phone will have to do. not that my outfit has any particular detail that needs to be caught by a more complicated lens. (I'm now refusing to say the "i" in any apple product. I just refer to things as "the pod" or "the pad" or "the phone".)

The other day when I finally put contacts in and makeup on, I told my boyfriend how good it felt to finally get ready. Of course the response was the "blah blah you look nice no matter what blahblach" well, that is all very nice to hear but that's not really where I'm going with this. I actually said "I don't look like myself when I don't have makeup on." and I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't really know how to react to it. Should I feel shocked that I don't feel/look like myself when I am completely and naturally myself? Or do I take a different approach and know that makeup and clothes are my expression and what creates me? That's how I see myself, and just because I didn't come out of the womb like that doesn't mean that it isn't me? I don't know how to take it. I'm still debating which road to take. I understand both conflicting arguments in my head, but I think I'm leaning towards I am what I make me. If I think it's me to wear what I wear, and style myself how I style myself, then I am me. A painting is on a white canvas, but is made up of paint. The art is not complete until the artist says so, with however much or little medium they decide to put on it. I think that is my final decision.