Perfume came naturally from Paris

For my AP 2D Art exam, all of us sat in the cafeteria and scrambled to send in artwork and updated our portfolios online. Except, I'm waiting to submit until next year, so I basically just chilled out and read Rookie Mag and helped other people when they needed it. Then, when just about everyone was finished, I started reading Rookie Mag out loud to people and marveling over crayon lipstick and mock tie-dye. I decided I had to try one or the other, because helloo, my mom doesn't buy everything for me. Thanks, MOM. So, right now one project and one project only is in my budget, thanks to the fact that Coconut Oil is so expensive, as well as a package of Sharpies (needed to make tie-dye). I have minimal containers small enough to hold that crayon lipstick, so I only made two colors in little contact containers, like they use in the article.

I used a pink crayon from this little Neon Crayola crayon box I got from Target for $.99. The lipstick itself looks pretty neon, but when on it's a little dulled down. It's brighter than what appears in the pictures, but at least you can tell it's pink. 

I then thought, what if i put stick cover-up on my lips? Like how I have to do with my lip tar so that my lip color doesn't show through? I attempted that, and it really only dulled down the color, but it still looked really good. It was a strong color, just no longer neon whatsoever. Sorry for my half-vogue face. It's natural.

I also did a light purple, that, once again, looks a lot better in real life (IRL, if you aren't hip with lingo.) I liked that one a lot.

Recognize me as your local bathroom picture taking icon. 

Here I go, putting that stick cover-up under my lipstick. It's even MORE PASTEL NOW. It's all cute no matter what, so you can't really go wrong. Except with maybe a dark color. It probs won't show up.

And here I go with today's outfit, with a skirt I bought yesterday at a vintage store, even though I normally have no desire at all for skirts that are longer than two inches above my knees. Do you know how hard it is to set up a camera in the office of your house and take pictures of yourself on a timer? I dare you to try it. It's a bitch. Especially for someone who isn't very photogenic. I'm jealous of all who are.

~

There are things in this world that just really tear you down; death being one of the big ones. It's just hard to really grasp how much death means to someone until you lose someone as well. I could never wish anyone to know the feeling, and I'm truly empathetic and sorry to those who have lost anyone closer than what I've experienced. What I've seen as a trend is that those who are lost are ones who meant the something greater than those who surrounded them. People needed them, and looked up to them, yet they were the ones to go. Is it maybe because the ones around them needed to finally take their life into their own hands and are now forced to actually live on using the inspiration gained from the ones that meant so much? I'm not quite sure. It doesn't make sense. You can never get those people back. You can only imagine that they are somewhere else. 

Naked is always honest

I'm torn. I hate calling myself a feminist, due to the bad connotation and stereotypes they get, but i am one deep down, i believe. I think girls (AND BOYS) can wear whatever it is they please without being questioned. Why do i care if a girl is walking around in only her bikini? Why do i care if a girl has a plastic vinyl see-through skirt? (That's me by the way.) I dont. What is it to me what you are wearing? It's not my body i have no say. I mean, if you're in someone's home completely naked and they ask you to throw some shoes on, you should because it's their house their rules and that would be the polite thing to do. I don't think girls should have to wear shirts if boys don't. I believe feminism is more of an equality thing than a putting-down-of-men thing.

Where I'm stuck is that I understand where people might be coming from when they judge girls "hoes" from what they wear. DON'T HATE ME YET. I'M

NOT DONE. There are people who dress the way they do for attention. I don't want to judge people for what they are wearing! It just hurts my heart when people wear something to please another. Which i believe is where people are coming from when they label girls as "thots" or "hoes", not saying that i agree with them! I'm saying i see where they're coming from. A girl should not pull down her shirt because she wants a boy (or another girl? Or maybe her parents (different story completely)) to acknowledge her. I want a girl to pull down her shirt because she enjoys her body and wants to show her body. Not because she feels like she has to for anyone to yearn for her presence. So, basically, all I'm saying i can understand why a person might not enjoy a girl wearing something skimpy if they think she's doing it solely for attention. BUT!! I do NOT agree with them judging her for that.  Nor do i think that is really anyone's place to decide exactly why this girl is wearing what she's wearing.

If a boy only wants a girl(s) around because of her skin-showing outfit or because he thinks he's going to get something out of a girl - SHAME ON HIM.

 

SHAME ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOOK FOR A PERSONALITY.  

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself

    Reevaluating your life kind of really sucks. It's like, "Why am I not happy anymore? Why don't I enjoy what I used to enjoy? Is it the season? Is it just me being crazy?" Then you stop and think about everything you do and how it makes you feel. You consult other people (aka my lovely therapist and best friend(s) (plural)). When you're more than halfway through high school and have to evaluate why you aren't the same anymore, it's fucking annoying. What's worse is you realize it's that you no longer enjoy the friends you hung out with all the time. For the most part, it's not that they have really changed. I mean, everyone changes at least a little over time, but it's you. You're the one that's changed. How do you tell people that? Are you gonna give your friends, "It's not you, well it kind of really is you, but it's also me because I've changed and you haven't," line? That's probably not even a universal line. People don't say that shit! It's hard to tell them you no longer enjoy their presence when you've been friends for so long. What makes it worse is that you've grown out of your I'm Da Coolest phase and they haven't, or that you enjoy some of them but not others. "Hey I still like some of you, but not all of you. and I don't like hanging out in a big group with you guys." People don't really take that well...
    I'm trying to make myself a better person. My art teacher told me to surround yourself with people who are better than you, that way you'll want to become better yourself and to grow. What advice about friends and social groups could be better? Being around people who are supposed to be friends but say bad things about each other all the time, and don't even want to accept other people that they've deemed not worthy to give a chance, is not surrounding yourself with people who are better than you. Unless you happen to be more of a dramatic high school student than that, in which case YOU need to reevaluate your life. I enjoy spending time with people who talk about funny things they see in the world, not funny things they see in other people. Don't get me wrong; there's a difference between making fun of someone in a silly way, and actually ridiculing someone or just judging them. If someone trips, it's fucking funny, but that's it. If they're okay, you giggle and move on, no big deal. You can fuck around with your friends in a joking way. You can be blunt and mean to your friends in a way that everyone knows that's just how you guys joke around, or that you're just telling them how it is. It really goes further than that. It's bad when people think they're literally above someone else, and I guess that statement goes a little bit against what I said before about surrounding yourself with people who are better than you, but I think of it likes this; you look for the good in people, to see who you admire and see as a great person, and migrate towards them. Don't focus on who's not a good person. If you don't admire them and their ways, they just aren't the ones you should be around.
    You have to give people a chance, first, though. In my experience, every time (everytime will always be one word in my heart) I try to put off talking to someone about an issue, it just makes the issue worse. Letting people know is the best thing for the relationship. It stops a lot of heartache and confusion that can come accidentally when you yourself are baffled on your own feelings. Just keep them on the update, if they really mean that much. If you aren't too close then I say FUCKEM. They aren't worth your time and you don't really owe someone who's not a close friend anything anyway. If they confront you, don't lie. No need to go out of your way for conflict, though, especially when all you're trying to do is avoid it in other ways.

I guess what it all boils down to is that you're going to stop at some point and question everything that's going on around you. Sit and ponder. When you've decided on your stance in your life, make a move towards following it. Don't be a bitch. Just do what you have to do to make yourself happy and a better person in the long run.

Go with your instincts along with some bad advice.

It's funny how I always seem to put makeup on and take pictures when I'm supposed to clean my room. I feel as if all teenage girls have this problem, but I could definitely be wrong. (I don't think I am.) I almost straightened my hair last night because I couldn't sleep, but I decided against it, which was probably a good thing because 1: No ones hair needs damage just for the giggles at midnight and 2: I would've needed a blow dryer because you already KNOW my hair takes forever to dry on it's own, and my mom might come question why I'm not asleep, which leads into a whole discussion that I don't want to get into on how I just don't sleep sometimes.

 I literally have no clue how to work Photoshop, even though my mom works at a university so she got the whole Adobe suite or whatever it is. I was on the brink of figuring it out the other day, but then I stopped getting it to work how I wanted, and then I thought I saved it but I guess I didn't. I made sure it said .JPEG but it still didn't save? I don't know. I believed we've already established that I'm retarded, but that shouldn't stop me! If you ever don't believe in yourself, just think about how the Special Olympics is a real thing and that you can overcome anything. I'll try to take my own advice on that, as well.

You can't get a grip if there's nothing to hold

The last few days I've pretty much been stuck in my house. The temperatures and amounts of snow on the street are "dangerous". Not saying they aren't, it just sounds so silly to me. There's been no school and this week is review week for finals, where I should be getting study guides and fretting over things like "how am I going to pass my AP Calculus class when I never learned anything for me to remember?" Instead I have sat/laid in my bed either by myself or with my boyfriend and watched movies. Or thought about blogging but then never getting around to it. Even now I think something that really motivated me to sit down and write is so I can avoid working on art, which is damnear the only assignment I had over break. (Hinting at the fact that my finals are after break for some reason.) Well you know what? Artists block is a THINg and I HATe it. Once I finish a piece of art I feel like I'm not really done, but I need to move on, but starting a piece of art is the hardest part. Maybe I'm just a bitchboy. I've even begun to clean my room and rearrange in order to ignore everything else I have to do while feeling good that at least I'm not sitting on my ass all day long. It feels good to do something productive, whether it's the type of productivity that is demanded in a time frame, I choose to ignore.

Yesterday was the first day I put on actual clothes, didn't shower sometime after 5 pm, and put on makeup. I guess maybe I did all that because I had to work yesterday, which I wasn't even sure if I was going to have to work, but I did. Yuck.

Today was the first day I've actually decided to put on clothes and makeup FOR MYSELF. It hurts that I'm wearing as much black as I am. I hate wearing black, and what do I hate wearing more than black? GREY. Black can at least be classy but for some reason grey looks so cheap and I don't even know what to put with grey. What even comes in grey besides weirdly shaped cardigans and knit turtle necks?? I'm pretty sure nothing. (okay there are few things that are cute with grey but they're so out of my fashion league ((price range)) it's not even funny.) (When did I decide it was okay to go back to parenthesis within parenthesis?) I honestly don't really remember how I got to the point of accepting a black shirt and black pants in the same outfit today, but it happened and I think I'm just gonna roll with my edgy look I've got going on. I needed SOME color, because, hey, it's me, am I right? right guys? *douche bag laugh* hu hu hu hu.

I've been trying so hard to not touch my hair and let it grow out, so I have darkish brown roots and strange, bland rest of hair. Well, if it's already been tainted, why not do something with it? I colored the body of my hair that has already been touched by color red, and left my roots to grow out. I spent so long in my house this week, being bored, trying to think of ways to change my appearance without damaging my progress roots or mutilating myself that i will regret later. Then, I'm struck by my brilliant idea that should've come sooner but at least it came! Fashionably late. (hu hu hu.)

I have an app to edit photos and I suck

This isn't even my room. 

It's my mom's room.

I lent my camera out to a friend, so the phone will have to do. not that my outfit has any particular detail that needs to be caught by a more complicated lens. (I'm now refusing to say the "i" in any apple product. I just refer to things as "the pod" or "the pad" or "the phone".)

The other day when I finally put contacts in and makeup on, I told my boyfriend how good it felt to finally get ready. Of course the response was the "blah blah you look nice no matter what blahblach" well, that is all very nice to hear but that's not really where I'm going with this. I actually said "I don't look like myself when I don't have makeup on." and I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't really know how to react to it. Should I feel shocked that I don't feel/look like myself when I am completely and naturally myself? Or do I take a different approach and know that makeup and clothes are my expression and what creates me? That's how I see myself, and just because I didn't come out of the womb like that doesn't mean that it isn't me? I don't know how to take it. I'm still debating which road to take. I understand both conflicting arguments in my head, but I think I'm leaning towards I am what I make me. If I think it's me to wear what I wear, and style myself how I style myself, then I am me. A painting is on a white canvas, but is made up of paint. The art is not complete until the artist says so, with however much or little medium they decide to put on it. I think that is my final decision.

You worry about the wrong thangs.

Shoutsout to Christmas Hauls!

Just kidding.

This is what I did with myself Christmas Eve night and yesterday when I went to hang out with my family to watch a football game.

Tried an upper white lip first. lol. didn't work out too well. 

look how creepy this is! haha! 

Is it too obvi I used photobooth for this?

Fuck if I ever learn how to fucking work this site. 

And the forests will echo with laughter

Take a second to think of some difficult life tasks. I'm just gonna go ahead and assume that you didn't put Christmas shopping on your list, even though you definitely need to. That shit has everybody stressin. There are so many people you feel like you should get something for, because they at least mean a little bit to you. They mean enough to want to show them they are appreciated, but sometimes you don't know what to get them. Sometimes, your paycheck can only afford a few people at a time even when you don't put any money into your savings just because you know you'll need it for Christmas shopping. There's also the issue I quite frequently run into where you go shopping for other people then see something you really want that's on sale so you get it, then immediately feel guilty you didn't save that money to spend on someone else or to put in your savings. Why do I need more things? Christmas is coming and I still have half the people on my list to find gifts for! I also have higher end taste, so it's hard for me to just choose some shotty present just to say I got someone something. It's funny because I'm currently shopping for people and saving links to things that I can't afford right now but will be able to once I get my check for this week.
Then what do you do if someone you didn't plan on getting for gets something for you? You feel so bad because now you're in a pickle! You want to get them something but you don't have the money, and you can't push everyone else on your list back. What do you even give that person?

My little solution to it all, is get for immediate family and significant other first, others will understand when their presents aren't there on Christmas. At least let's hope so.

In other words this whole post is for this: 
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wed1lI3B7Xk